His hand was withered and weak. His face was wrinkled and his gaze seemed lost in the space between staring and seeing. He couldn't communicate but he could hear and feel like the youth that was his progeny, standing before him, confused at this unfamiliar state of passing. I imagined him reaching up like he was trying to touch my cheek and tell me that everything was alright. None of us wish to imagine the pain our loved ones go through. Everyone lives, everyone dies. This is the predicament created from being evolved and intelligent enough to enjoy life as a human being. This is the predicament created from being evolved and intelligent enough to know that it will end. Redundant, yes, but some things must be constantly repeated to be understood. I still don't understand these things. They terrify and intrigue me. No matter how many times I repeat these facts.
She was there and then she was gone. No one can make sense of tragedy. I held her hand the night before her hands turned cold. It will never leave my heart and I seldom mention it. Though years have passed since I saw my reflection in that funeral parlor mirror, I will never forget the eyes that stared back into mine. A young girl asking why. And now and almost two decades older, I am still asking that question. I study physiology, I study anatomy, religion and spirituality, poetry, prose and history. I still don't understand. I am not stupid but I still don't understand. I saw her blonde roots growing through her dyed black hair.
I remember my grandfather before he passed. I remember him before he got sick. Strong as an ox and as stubborn as a mule with a heart that stretched to the moon and back down to Earth. One of the cruelest diseases that could ever overcome a human being took hold of him. It didn't happen quickly, he died slowly, a torturous death that he didn't deserve. Progressive Supranuclear Palsy is a terrible condition which overtakes the nervous system, causing the body's ability to perform vital functions to deteriorate. Not even the worst of humanity should suffer from this disease, yet the best I've ever known lost his life to it.
I don't know why I dwell. The most forthcoming answer is because I cannot accept what I do not understand. I understand that cells mutate, they deteriorate. I understand that drivers of gigantic machines are human beings and they make mistakes. It doesn't seem to sink in enough to alleviate this sadness. I understand that if every human being that was ever born was immortal that the Earth would not be able to sustain the occupancy. I cannot balance the intellect with the emotion.
The reason why I'm thinking about this is because I learned of several deaths today. The death of Clarence Clemens is a huge loss to me. To some this may be laughable, but to me it is horrible. Gentle souls such as his should be mourned. Such talent and kindness should be remembered. The other deaths, less famous people but just as important, contain pain in the eyes of their friends and family that I know and cannot forget. Yet, these are the reasons we keep going.
We have each other-family, friends, significant others.
Change is inevitable with the great chance that things will get better.
Every sunrise means an opportunity to do good in this world.
You will learn something new today.
Sandwiches are delicious.
The world is an immense environment with thousands of living beings that act and respond to each other, we get to choose how we act and respond.
Although we lose the ones we loved, we can reflect and be grateful to have had them in our lives at all.
If you are reading this, you are alive, and that means everything. So for God's sake, for everyone's sake, live
and be good to each other. Don't fill life with regrets, fill life with as much happy memories as possible.
There is always that album you can go home and listen to that will lift you up or help you understand. There is always someone you can call who will understand, whether you think they want to listen to your hardships or not, they will. Because that is what we are here for really.
To listen, to change and to be changed, to forgive and to be forgiven.
To love and to be loved.
To go on, with the memories of those we have lost. No matter how painful they may be in remembrance, they are joyous in their existence.
To everyone who is grieving, at least you have someone or something to grieve for. To everyone who is celebrating, do not become callous to joy, no matter what. To everyone who is stuck, get out, get up, get ready. We have life. We are alive. We are living. And we must remember this fact until we no longer have the privilege to remember anything at all.
